


Everyone's A Little Scarred

by nhasablog



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Eventual Stony, Insomnia, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Team Bonding, Tickle Fights, Tickling, all of these warnings are for things that are pretty vague but there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 07:16:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9480788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nhasablog/pseuds/nhasablog
Summary: “No.” Tony shook his head. “You can’t. Just- just let me cling. That’s the only thing that seems to be helping.”“Okay. I’ll let you cling, but the moment I feel like you’re losing your grip-”“That won’t happen. I’ll hold on for dear life.”Because that’s what was essentially on the line.(Or, Tony’s not okay, but he’s somehow even less okay in his own bed.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> All of the warnings in the tags are for things that aren't too graphic, but they're there, so better be safe than sorry.

“Can I crash here tonight?”

The surprise on Rhodey’s face was replaced by confusion. “Everything okay?”

“Just peachy.”

Rhodey watched him for a few seconds too long to be considered normal before stepping aside. “Come on in.”

Tony shouldered his way past him and entered his apartment. “Great. I promise I won’t be a bother.”

“The thought never crossed my mind.” Rhodey closed the door and turned to him. “So, you hungry?”

“I’m sort of craving a cup of coffee.”

“Coffee it is then,” Tony heard him mumble, “at eleven at night” when he thought he was out of earshot.

Tony burned his tongue ten minutes later, but he kept the complaints at a minimum because he knew that a tired Rhodey wasn’t a fun Rhodey to mess with. Rhodey hadn’t said so, but Tony was certain he’d woken him up when he’d knocked. He wanted to apologize, but Rhodey was making a big deal out of pretending he’d been very much awake at Tony’s arrival. They knew each other almost too well.

Rhodey was looking at him in a way that made him nervous, but didn’t comment on anything in particular, just led him to the living room after he’d finished his coffee.

“I know you don’t like my couch,” he started, grabbing the decorative pillows and placing them on the armchair instead. “But-”

“Your couch is fine,” Tony cut him off with a brief smile. “At least it’s not the floor.”

He could tell from Rhodey’s expression that his words had surprised him, but he didn’t voice his thoughts and said instead, “I’ll get you some pillows and a blanket.”

That was the first time Tony avoided sleeping in his own bed.

* * *

 

With most habits, Tony wasn’t sure exactly how or why they had started, but it wasn’t the case this time which made it excruciatingly hard to ignore the reason he was doing it. But no matter how aware of it he was, he _couldn’t stop_.

He wished he could say it had all started small; creeping up on him without his knowledge, but he knew it had started with a bang. A painful, painful bang.

He wasn’t ready to think about the reason just yet. Instead he shut his eyes tightly, partly to keep the memories out of his mind and partly to keep the too bright midday sunlight out of his sight. To be this secret of an organization, S.H.I.E.L.D. had very large windows in their headquarters. Fury had once claimed that way too many agents complained about being shut inside for so many hours a day, on top of whatever mission they would probably be forced to execute in the dark, so instead of arguing they installed bigger windows than necessary. Tony thought Fury had picked the size out of sheer spite, and he liked him slightly more because of it. Right now though, with Fury’s voice in his ears and the sun directly on his face, Tony felt like changing his mind about that.

“Rough night?”

Tony opened his eyes and met Steve’s gaze. “Something like that.”

“I didn’t see you at the tower all evening.”

“I went to Rhodey’s.”

“Really?” Steve looked surprised.

“Yeah, he… Well, he didn’t exactly _call_ me. I just went.”

“Because you missed him?”

Tony huffed out a laugh. “I guess.”

“That’s sweet.”

“You put that grin away, Rogers.”

“Did he keep you up all night? You look exhausted.”

“Let’s just say I don’t have the best relationship with his couch.”

“If you two are finished,” Fury cut in, making them look his way. “I would like to get into the specifics. And just for that I will make sure to talk extra slow.”

Everyone groaned. “Thanks, guys.” Clint said, his voice almost as annoyed as Fury’s.

Steve and Tony turned back to each other, both of them visibly holding back laughter. How Steve always managed to make him feel better was beyond him.

“How about you invite Rhodey over tonight?” Steve said as they left the building several hours later. “You’ve missed him, right? And you wanting to incorporate him more into the team is natural.”

Tony hummed. “I could ask him. We could all watch a movie or something cheesy like that.”

“I think we all deserve a calm evening right now,” Steve said, referring to the past week’s chaos. Tony didn’t even want to _think_ of the previous week.

And so they all gathered, Rhodey among them, in the living room in the Avengers tower. Picking the movie was a war in itself, but once they all settled down Tony felt content for the first time in ages. Rhodey and Steve, who were both sitting on either side of him, were like a safety blanket keeping him warm, so he wasn’t really surprised to find out that he fell asleep within minutes.

He woke up with a start, his eyes doing their best to focus on Rhodey’s face that was hovering close to his. His body ached and his mind felt groggy, so it took him a moment to realize that he was leaning against Steve, his head on his shoulder where it had probably been ever since he’d fallen asleep. He wasn’t sure if he should apologize, because once he was sitting up again Steve was smiling fondly, so he didn’t seem to have minded too much.

“So much for bonding,” Rhodey said with a grin as he leaned back again. “You were out like a light.”

“Your couch is awful.”

“You knew that before you showed up.”

“I did some great bonding with Steve’s shoulder, I think. Sorry about that, by the way.”

Steve waved him off. “I told you you looked exhausted.”

“Well, now I’m in pain too. That wasn’t the most comfortable position to spend two hours in.”

“I take it it’s bedtime,” Rhodey said and stood up.

“Are you staying here?”

“Do you have an extra bed?”

“We have like seven extra guest rooms.”

“Then I think I’m gonna stay.”

“I’ll show you to the best one then.” Tony got off the couch and looked at Steve, suddenly feeling awkward. “Uh, thanks for being my pillow I guess.”

“There’s really no problem, Tony. Go show Rhodey his room and get some sleep. You need it.”

Tony smiled. “See you in the morning, Cap.”

He left the room to the sound of Nat, Clint and Sam shouting, “What about us?!” in eerie unison. He just waved them off.

“Here she is,” Tony said as they entered the room. “Isn’t she a beauty?”

“The bed looks comfy,” Rhodey said. “And I don’t really need anything else.”

Tony threw himself onto said bed. “Aahh. You’ll be happy to know that it doesn’t just _look_ comfy.”

Rhodey chuckled and sat down on the mattress. “I think I’ll sleep like a baby.”

“I’m kinda jealous. I always forget how comfy this bed in particular is.”

“As if yours isn’t a tangible version of a cloud.”

Tony could tell Rhodey was waiting for him to get up and leave so that he could undress and go to bed, but Tony couldn’t bring himself to move. Instead he locked his gaze on the ceiling, as if it would keep Rhodey from asking questions. As if it would keep his troubles from becoming too visible.

“Tones?” Tony turned to look at him. “Don’t hog the covers, okay?”

“I can’t make any promises.”

“It was worth a shot.”

* * *

 

Tony woke up to tugging, and for a brief moment he thought he was back in college. He opened his eyes to see Rhodey’s face, which didn’t make his confusion any better. He’d opened his eyes to Rhodey’s face countless of times back in the days, especially during his first year when he wasn’t sure what was going on and needed constant comfort and reassurance.

Rhodey tugged at the covers again. “You’re hogging them.”

“I told you I couldn’t make any promises,” Tony replied, his voice hoarse. “At least the heating works here,” he said as he let go of the material.

“Don’t remind me. I’m surprised I didn’t freeze to death before I graduated.”

“You could’ve just said no whenever I wanted to share a bed,” Tony said with a grin.

“And be exposed to your goddamn puppy eyes? No way.”

“You never _were_ able to resist them,” Tony commented. “It gives me a great advantage.”

“Good thing I know lots of your weaknesses to balance it out.”

“Psh, I don’t have any weaknesses.”

“Oh, really?” Tony didn’t like the smirk that found Rhodey’s lips. It was way too early in the morning for that smirk. “Then what about that one sensitive spot on your body?”

“I don’t have a sensitive spot on my body.”

“You’re right. You have like hundreds of them.”

Rhodey reached out and Tony reacted instantly before he’d even been touched. He couldn’t help it. This was such a common occurrence in college that his body knew the drill well enough to act automatically.

Rhodey laughed, his hand stopping mid-air only inches away from Tony. “Nothing has changed, huh?”

“Get those evil fingers away from me- no!” Tony started laughing the moment contact was made. “Stohop it!”

Rhodey kept poking his ribs and looking very smug about it. “What better way to start my day than to listen to your laughter?”

“You sahahap!” Tony tried to block his hands, but Rhodey was quick and Tony was useless in this situation. “Come ohon, cut it out!”

“Don’t act as if you’re not enjoying this, Tones.”

Tony, miraculously, grabbed Rhodey’s hand and pushed it away from his rib cage. “Stop.”

Rhodey just laughed and withdrew his hand. “Ah, that was fun. I’ve missed it.”

“I haven’t.”

“Liar.”

Tony huffed and ignored his burning cheeks. “You working today?”

“When aren’t I?”

“You going home after?”

“We’re flying out to LA today.” Rhodey tilted his head at him. “You knew that.”

“Oh. I must’ve forgotten.”

“Tony?”

“Hm?”

“What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you. You have two moods when something’s not quite right. Either you isolate yourself from everyone and everything, or you get too attached to someone you trust, which is usually me. You’re latching onto me, and I’m not sure why.”

Tony felt like he was suffocating. “I…”

Rhodey tried to catch his eye again. “Let me help you.”

“You can’t.”

“I can.”

“No.” Tony shook his head. “You can’t. Just- just let me cling. That’s the only thing that seems to be helping.”

“Okay. I’ll let you cling, but the moment I feel like you’re losing your grip-”

“That won’t happen. I’ll hold on for dear life.”

Because that’s what was essentially on the line.

* * *

 

Tony spent the day stuck in his lab, and only emerged to get more coffee once he’d run out. It was during one of those refill trips that he walked in on the team eating dinner, and it was only then he realized he hadn’t had a single thing to eat that day.

“There you are,” Bruce said as he froze in his tracks in the doorway. “You’re impossible to get a hold of today.”

“Busy times,” he said, eyeing their food. “What are you having?”

“None of us felt like cooking, so we just got some pizza.”

Steve pointed to a closed box. “We got some for you too for later.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Tony replied and entered the room fully. “Because I do. A lot. Especially now.”

“Wow. A declaration of love is not what I expected to hear today,” Nat said with a smirk. Steve rolled his eyes at her. “But then again, who _doesn’t_ love Cap?”

“I personally have called dibs on marrying the guy,” Clint said. “So don’t even think about it.”

“As long as I get pizza I can be your goddamn best man,” Tony said as he sat down between him and Bruce. “What do you say, Steve? Do you think Barton would look good in white?”

“Oh, I think he’d look amazing.”

“It’s settled then,” Clint said loudly. “We’re getting married in the spring.”

Tony laughed as he took his first bite of the food. “Is this the engagement party then?”

“I guess it is. When are you announcing your engagement to Rhodey then?”

Tony turned to look at Clint more properly. “What do you mean?”

“You never made it out of his room last night. I know subtext when I see it.”

Tony snorted. “Oh, we’re thinking of having a summer wedding. None of you are invited.”

“That’s not very nice,” Nat replied. “Who’s gonna be your best man?”

“Jarvis.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Clint asked no one in particular.

The rest of lunch wasn’t very eventful, but Tony hoped no one would bring up him spending the night in Rhodey’s room again. It was bad enough that Rhodey was starting to notice that something was wrong. He didn’t need the team hovering over him too.

God knows neither of them would really understand.

Steve caught his eye when he stood to return to his lab. “Will we see you before bedtime?”

Tony opened his mouth, but it was Clint who said, “I sincerely doubt that.” And he was right.

* * *

 

Tony left his lab at 3 am to wander around the tower aimlessly. His body was exhausted, his mind even worse, and yet his legs carried him everywhere but to his bed. He hadn’t been inside his bedroom in days, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Having been a kid who found solace in whatever place worked as his lab at the time, Tony had never had a specific relationship to his bedrooms other than sometimes waking up in them, hungover and somewhat remorseful. But now, with _this_ , he saw that room as an enemy, and he didn’t know what to make of it.

He eyed the couch briefly before turning and walking toward the kitchen, unable to think of a single scenario where someone wouldn’t walk in on him sleeping in the living room in the morning. He poured himself a cup of instant coffee, too impatient to make a proper brew, and once he’d downed it he made another one, and that was when Clint entered the room.

“Why are you drinking coffee in the middle of the night?”

“Why are you carrying three plates and several glasses?”

“Touché.”

“Had a little party by yourself, eh, Barton?”

Clint put the dishes on the counter. “Nat tells me I have a habit of accumulating things because I forget to bring them with me when I leave the room. I tell her she’s only partly right.”

“What part is she wrong about?”

Clint started putting each plate and glass in the sink. “I never actually forget them.”

Tony snorted and downed the last of his second cup. “As for me having this; I don’t have a good answer.”

“That’s an answer in itself.”

“I guess.”

“Working hard?”

“You know it.”

“Are you losing sleep over it?”

Tony didn’t want to lie to him. “Not much sleep there to lose.”

Clint’s expression stayed the same. “That bad, huh?”

“Is it noticeable?”

“That something’s up? Yes. _What_ is up? No.”

Tony fingered his empty cup. “I don’t want people to hover.”

“We will always hover, Stark.”

“I know.”

“Because we care.”

“I know.” A pause, and then, “But you won’t _understand_.”

“That’s very possible,” Clint replied. Tony had never seen him this serious, and it was freaking him out just a little bit. “But we will listen.”

“What if I don’t want to talk?”

Clint’s smile was so bitter Tony had to take a step back. “Then you might never sleep again.”

Tony suddenly understood why Clint was awake at 3 am.

* * *

 

So far Tony had managed to catch a few hours of sleep pretty much everywhere but in his own bed. He’d tried one of the guest rooms once, but it proved to be less effective if he was sleeping alone. He missed Rhodey, kept calling him whenever he felt as if his head might explode, which was often. He was aware of what a pain in the ass he was being, but he couldn’t stop.

Clint turned out to be a rather good distraction though. He kept showing up whenever Tony felt like he was slipping a little too much, and Tony was certain he was doing it on purpose. Was trying to do what no one had done for him.

If Tony had only _known_. PTSD was a bitch all right, and they’d both been severely scarred.

Maybe everyone was a little scarred.

“Do you just hang out up there all day?” Tony asked one day, having caught Clint exit the vents of the tower as if it was something that people just did.

“It’s a good way to get some alone time while still being able to keep an eye on what’s going on.”

“You just sit there and watch us? That’s not creepy at all.”

“I can’t help it if you happen to walk by the particular vent I’m currently in.”

“Of course not.”

But Tony wasn’t angry. In fact, he was intrigued. “Is it comfortable?”

“You can make it comfortable. I’m used to it not mattering but-”

“But?”

Clint visibly feigned nonchalance. “I might’ve stolen a pillow or five and made myself a little nest.”

“Let me guess. It’s located over the living room.”

“That may or may not be true.”

“I always felt like someone was watching me. Turns out it was you all along.”

“Was I making you paranoid?”

“Nah. At least I never felt alone.”

“I’ve seen you take quick naps there, by the way. Why don’t you just sleep the whole night instead of setting alarms?”

Tony ignored the weird feeling in his chest. “Because someone will see me, and they will ask questions.”

Clint had this look Tony couldn’t entirely interpret. “Questions could be good.”

“Not when you don’t know how to answer them.”

“Want to see my nest?”

Tony blinked at the abrupt change of subject. “Uh, sure?”

Clint dragged him to the living room, a slight bounce in his gait that left Tony smiling despite himself. It secretly meant a lot that Clint wanted to share this part of his life with him, whatever the motives, and Tony was only a little bit worried when Clint helped him enter the vent and they both squeezed into the limited space.

“It _is_ comfy,” Tony marvelled as he perched down on the pillows and blankets covering the area.

“Told you.” Clint patted one of the pillows affectionately. “I don’t make it a habit of spending my nights here, but falling asleep while hiding out here never leaves me sore.”

Tony believed him. “I feel as if I could take a nap right now.”

“No one’s stopping you.”

But neither of them fell asleep that afternoon, though they did end up lazing around up there for a few hours while Tony tried to decide if this counted as spying each time one of the Avengers entered the living room.

Clint never asked him if he was okay. He knew damn well that he hadn’t been okay for a while now.

* * *

 

Tony realized why Clint had shared his nest with him as soon as he found out he’d left for a mission that was bound to last at least the rest of the week. He wasn’t sure what he felt about it, but happily hid away in the vents whenever he felt overwhelmed and unable to properly relax. He made a habit of doing it when people were still moving around the tower, as he found it easier dozing off while being distracted. He especially enjoyed sitting up there when Thor was watching a movie, as he kept muttering comments to himself. It was rather entertaining.

But trying to find new places to sleep in had made him temporarily forget that something was even wrong, and sometimes his feelings hit him like a tidal wave he could barely survive.

Natasha found him during one of those moments.

She took one look at him and said, “Rough day?”

Tony glanced up from where he was hunched over on the kitchen table with a half empty bowl of cereal. “Rough month.” He wasn’t sure why he’d admitted that to her, but he didn’t regret it completely.

She did that thing where she acted as if she wasn’t examining him when in fact that was exactly what she was doing. Tony could only tell because she wasn’t bending over trying to disguise it. “You’ve not been drinking.”

Tony blinked. “Haven’t been for years, but thanks for the observation.”

“You want to drink.”

Tony swallowed thickly. “I won’t drink.”

“I know.” Nat sat down in front of him. “But you want to.”

“My desires don’t always have to be fulfilled.”

“That’s a development.”

“What can I say. I’m full of surprises.”

They didn’t say anything for a while and Tony was surprised to find he didn’t really mind the silence. Nat wasn’t forcing him to talk, and thus he didn’t feel guilty about shutting up. He’d never thought he’d be this comfortable with any member of the Avengers. Going through what they’d gone through made it hard not to bond, and that was the only thing he was grateful for.

Tony caught Nat eyeing his bowl and pushed it toward her. “Take it.”

“You don’t want it?”

“I’ve already had a bunch. I poured myself too much.”

She reached out without complaint, which was something he was sure a spy would never do unless they trusted someone completely. Something about the realization warmed his heart.

“Have you been sleeping well?” she asked him as she shoved a spoonful of cereal into her mouth.

“It could be better. It could also be worse. At least I’m sleeping.” Barely, but.

Nat chewed slowly, swallowed, and said, “It’s almost 2 am and you’re eating cereal.”

“It’s a process. Why are _you_ awake?”

She caught his eye. “You’re not the only one with problems, Stark.”

Neither of them slept that night, and that was okay. At least it resulted in Tony passing out randomly in his lab and having a dreamless sleep for once. He called that a victory.

* * *

 

The last person to corner him about his neverending suffering, as Clint had once put it, was Steve. Tony wasn’t surprised when he met the supersoldier in the dark living room a couple of days after Clint had come back and Tony had suddenly felt weird about sleeping in his nest. He merely nodded as he took a seat beside him, their bodies not quite touching. “Cap.”

“Tony.”

“I would ask you what you’re doing here, but then I would have to explain myself too, I’m sure.”

“I would be counting on that.”

“So I won’t ask.”

“Is it that bad to share?”

“It’s unnecessary.”

He could almost feel Steve frowning. “Unnecessary how?”

“Neither of us will tell the truth.”

“Why do you think that?”

Tony had to look at him then. “When have we ever been good at talking about our feelings?”

Steve let out a breath that Tony guessed could’ve been a snort if he’d tried harder. “A little practice wouldn’t hurt.”

“Okay then.” Tony turned his body toward him. “You first.”

He could see Steve’s confidence faltering ever so slightly and thought for sure he would drop it, but Steve only sat up straighter and said, “I’m having trouble sleeping. It’s better now than before, but sometimes I have to force myself to stay awake to remind myself that this is my life now. The 40s aren’t coming back. At least not the ones I left behind.”

Tony blinked, uncertain of what to say. What could one possibly say when so much trust had been shown without them deserving it?

“I, uh-” He cleared his throat. Tried again. “I keep having nightmares. About that day. I feel like I might suffocate in my own bed.”

“That’s why you sleep anywhere but there.” It wasn’t a question. It didn’t need an answer.

Tony swallowed. “As soon as I lie down my brain starts overthinking.”

“You don’t feel safe in your bedroom.”

“Not as safe as you apparently should.” And suddenly, with everything he’s been feeling at the tip of his tongue, Tony felt the exhaustion weigh him down. He leaned forward, hiding his face in his hands. “Goddammit.”

Steve was right there, his hand on Tony’s back and rubbing it soothingly while Tony tried to calm his breathing. This new trend of him getting these random attacks was starting to piss him off.

“You’re fine,” Steve mumbled, most likely having no idea what to do. “You’re safe.”

And he was, despite what his brain was currently spewing out. He was as safe as he could be there in his tower by Steve’s side. It should’ve been enough, but it wasn’t.

Nothing was ever enough.

“Come on,” Steve said once he was breathing normally again. “My bed’s big enough for both of us.”

His bed was _huge_.

Tony was pretty sure they wouldn’t even feel each other’s presence if they slept on separate ends of it. But rather than sleeping apart Tony found himself seeking Steve out, albeit awkwardly at first. They curled up back to back in the middle of the mattress, just close enough to feel the bed dip at the other’s weight. Though it took several hours for sleep to find him, Tony woke up feeling better than he’d felt in ages, and the awkwardness of having to apologize for apparently latching onto Steve like an octopus in his sleep didn’t really matter when he entered his lab feeling like a new man.

Steve had to pick him up that night because Tony hadn’t been sure if he was welcomed back, but after that Tony steered his steps toward Steve’s bedroom every single night and he only felt a little weird about it. He didn’t know how much the team knew. Knowing the Avengers, they had to be at least aware of Tony joining Steve each night, but no one said a thing, and Tony knew it had something to do with him sleeping better now. They didn’t want to ruin it by scaring him away somehow.

When Rhodey finally returned from LA Tony felt torn.

“Do you want me to stay the night or will you come to my place?” he asked, having stopped by the tower with his suitcase still in hand.

Tony hesitated, wanting to glance at Steve but couldn’t. “I’ve found a new way to, uh, to cope.”

“New way?” Rhodey sounded suspicious.

“A new individual.”

His team members were at least decent enough to pretend not to be eavesdropping. Rhodey raised his eyebrows. “Who?”

“Okay honestly? While you’ve been away I’ve been passed around from person to person.”

“Remind me to get them a fruit basket or something.”

“I’m sure they will appreciate it.”

Rhodey smiled then. “Who’s got you now?”

Tony looked at Steve this time, but looked away when their eyes locked.

Rhodey understood without him having to say it. “That’s nice of him.”

“Yeah.”

“Where are you guys coping?”

“In his bed.”

“I’m not surprised.”

Tony shot him a glare. “We’re sleeping.”

“Together?”

“Well, yeah. Innocently.”

“Uh huh.”

He always felt as if Rhodey knew more about him than he did himself, and his flushed face was proof enough. “I don’t need another thing to keep me awake right now.”

“Some things are worth being awake for.”

Tony found out what he meant a couple of weeks later. He must’ve been screaming, because his throat felt raw when he woke up. Steve was there, a comforting presence reminding him that he was fine, he was safe. Tony didn’t believe him, but he felt better in Steve’s embrace. Less broken, in a way.

He knew now was the absolute worst time to kiss Steve, but he did it anyway, and Steve kept kissing him back each time as their bodies tried to press closer and closer even though it was physically impossible. Their hearts, on the other hand, kept twisting together until they were completely intertwined, and by the time they pulled apart to breath it was painful to try to twist them apart.

Steve had a look on his face that Tony had never seen. “What?”

Steve’s smile was timid. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”

They didn’t fall asleep again that night, but now it was for completely different reasons. Reasons Tony approved of wholeheartedly.

* * *

 

Nat knew. Tony only had to glance at her to know that she knew. It didn’t bother him as much as it might’ve done once, though he hoped to god that Barton would be able to keep his mouth from running off once Nat had filled him in. It crossed Tony’s mind that Clint could have been hanging out in the vents above Steve’s room, but Clint would never do that. He looked clueless when they all sat down for a rare team breakfast, but Nat was all but looking through him.

Steve didn’t seem to notice. “Pass me the jam?”

Natasha did, said “Pass me the butter,” in return, and breakfast never got more interesting than that, and yet Tony felt her staring another hole through his chest. He caught her eye, narrowed his briefly, before letting his mouth twitch into a small smile. She seemed to understand, which earned him an almost nonexistent smile back. Their friendship was weird, but it was there.

“So how did everyone sleep last night?” Clint asked, though Tony knew it was mostly aimed at him.

“I’ve found this new method and now I sleep better than ever,” Tony said, keeping his smirk at bay.

Clint looked at him instantly. “Care to share your method?”

“Maybe later.”

He didn’t dare look at Nat, but Clint still seemed as lost as ever.

Tony knew Steve wouldn’t be able to keep every single nightmare away. He still went to bed with bad thoughts threatening to spill out of the back of his head and onto his pillow, but whenever he went to bed with Steve he wasn’t afraid. He didn’t dread nighttime anymore, and even though he knew that things could very easily get worse again once he’d gotten used to sharing a bed with Steve he tried not to dwell on it. Whatever was going on with him had a thousand side effects, but not all of them were bad enough to kill him. He’d have to remember that.

Steve’s hands felt secure despite how not okay Tony knew the man was. During the past few weeks, as his quest to find a sleeping place had made him bond more with some of his teammates, Tony had come to the conclusion that the only way to rise above your own problems was when you were trying to help someone else with theirs. If Tony hadn’t known what they’d all been through, if he hadn’t learned reading the signs, maybe he would’ve thought they had their shit together. But they didn’t. They just chose to temporarily ignore the chaos that were their lives to help Tony figure out his own mess.

He looked up at Steve from where he was curled up in his arms. He seemed relaxed, and maybe he was, but Tony knew that wouldn’t always be the case. Any day now he would wake up to Steve crying in his sleep, or screaming brokenly for a life he could never have again, and Tony could never really make any of those things easier, though he would try. Just like Steve could only soothe his brain temporarily with this new and wonderful distraction, Tony knew his attempt to help wouldn’t have a lasting effect. Maybe nothing truly had a lasting effect.

Steve moved his mouth to his hair, kissing it lightly. “What’s on your mind?”

“How fucked up this world is.”

“Ever the optimist.”

Tony laughed at that, which felt good. “One of us has to be.”

“Of course.” Tony could hear him smiling.

Tony scooted even closer, his forehead touching Steve’s chest. “This feels good.”

“Does it?”

“Yeah.”

Steve’s hands started moving, fingertips tracing the hypothetical scars on Tony’s back. “How about now?”

“If you stop I will kick you out of bed.”

Steve gave a laugh. “It’s _my_ bed.”

Tony just hummed, and Steve thankfully kept tickling his back in that almost unbearably light way of his. Tony melted into his embrace. He hadn’t had his back tickled in years, and each touch relaxed his mind more and more until he felt like he could stay there for the rest of his life and never get restless. Steve’s hands could truly do wonders, even when they strayed too far to his sides and made him automatically jump at the touch.

“Sorry,” Steve whispered, sounding amused. “Didn’t know you were ticklish there.”

“Any other time I would probably have denied such a thing, but that would most likely only lead you to want to prove me wrong, and I’m too comfy to run.”

“Would you really run away?”

Tony knew he wouldn’t. Quite the opposite really. “Maybe not. But I’m too relaxed to struggle in your arms.”

Steve purposely wiggled his fingers over his side now. “Are you really?”

Tony squirmed, a breathy laugh escaping his lips. “Don’t.”

“What if I want to?”

“Can you wait until tomorrow?” Because Tony suddenly longed for Steve to turn him into an incoherent mess, but his mind was close to dozing off right now and he didn’t want to mess it up.

Steve pressed his mouth to his hair again. “I can definitely wait until tomorrow, but only because you asked so nicely.”

Tony fell asleep not long after, and found that Steve kept his promise as soon as he’d properly opened his eyes the next morning. To start the day giggling like a fool wasn’t the worst way to start it, Tony realized happily.

Although happiness was fleeting and bad things often overruled it, Tony was grateful for the doses he was given. He was sure he wouldn’t be able to survive without them.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://nhasablog.tumblr.com)


End file.
